They should really pass out barf bags in church
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
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