booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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