She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Can I color on your dick again?
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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