Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
