you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize