it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
