I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
