I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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