i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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