Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
