I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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