On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize