Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
