words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
