remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
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