and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I did not marry a roomba.
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