White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
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