I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Randomize
