I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
