Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
