I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
You ruined the universe
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
