I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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