You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
