I wish I could punch you in the face.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
