I'm so fucking centered right now
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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