Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
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