so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
