This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Randomize
