In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize