I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
