Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
My feet surprised me
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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