Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
