So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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