Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
