New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
