i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Randomize
