If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
