I smell stomach acid.
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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