Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
