She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
bring money and cleavage
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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