meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
