Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
