It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Dignity is for republicans.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
