I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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