Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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