i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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