She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
