I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
