Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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