I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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