based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
this will be a night to untag.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
