The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Randomize
