I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
