God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
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