I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
