so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
