somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
