my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
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