I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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