I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
